Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!

Job interview...

Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo, at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!

Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!

Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.

Dalawang holdaper sa bangko...

Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: Gago! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math. Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!

Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma'am, library po!

Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo.

After 50 years...

Urbana: Mare, how's your sexlife?
Dolores: Well, sa age ni pare mo, MUKHA na lang ang nagagalit,
BALAHIBO na lang ang tumatayo at UBO na lang ang matigas.###

Mga kasabihan:

"Magkasinlakas lang ang muscles namin ni Pacquiao, pero hindi talaga ako ang kalaban niya, bakit ba ang kulit ninyo?!" - VINA MORALES

"Anong akala mo sa akin, mayaman?! Nauubusan din ako ng pera!" - ATM

"You never even thanked me for making you happy, then you throw me away just like that... I hate you for using me, for making my life full of shit..." - TOILET PAPER

"Huwag po nating salubungin ang mga bumababa. Hindi po natin sila kamag-anak." - LRT OPERATOR

" Napaka-unfair ng buhay sa mundo... Bakit hindi ako pwedeng magmahal?!" - UKAY-UKAY

"You know, I feel I'm relaxing...you know... Thanks for da God... To all Filipino, thanks for da supporting wid me..." - MANNY PACQUIAO

"Biktima rin ako ng abortion." - BALUT

"Alam kong may gusto ka sa akin. Pasimple ka pa. Bakit hindi mo ako seryosohin? Pero bago ang lahat, gusto ko, alam mo na hindi ako easy-to-get. " - FLAT 1.0

"Huwag mong sabihing pinaiyak kita dahil una mo akong sinaktan." - SIBUYAS

"Panakip-butas lang ba talaga ako?" - PANTY

"Halika, pag-initin mo ako! Kailangan kong pumutok upang ako'y iyong matikman at ika'y masarapan... ayaaan na! Malapit na!!! Puputok na!!!
Aaaaahhhh... ." - POPCORN

"Huwag mo akong sisihin kung cold man ako dahil hindi naman ako magmamatigas kung binigyan mo lang sana ako ng konting importansya! " - KANING LAMIG

"Hindi lahat ng alak, nakalalasing. " - ALAK-SAN

"Hindi lahat ng 13, malas." - 13th MONTH PAY

Received these images over email. It's ridiculously possible!

Who haven't heard the famous line..."do you know where the bathroom is?"

Shoe heels to hammer a hard nail head and knives to drive the screw in. Literally. No pun intended.

Why do men have to lift those round thing anyway? Is the bowl hole too little to shoot their pee?

From Joke Index

Got this article from an email. Enjoy, Dabawenyos! *lol

How can one distinguish a Davaoeno from a Cebuano? Or from a Cagayanon? Difficult? Easy.

Davaoenos are some of the most unique people in the world. We can easily stand out if we are placed in a crowd of Filipinos from other parts of the
country. And how, you say? Language.

Davao City, aptly called the melting pot of cultures,is home to many dialects. Tagalog, Cebuano,Ilonggo, Ilocano, Chavacano, Moslem, Bicolano.Name it, we’ll speak it. If the Filipino language is a compositen of all the dialects and languages in the
Philippines, you might as well say that the language we speak in Davao City is the real Filipino language, and not Tagalog.

However, since it is a hodgepodge of different tongues, it is sometimes funny to hear our language “bastardizing”, for lack of better word, the other dialects. Strangely, that distinguishes us
from the rest. Try these.

In stating a fact, Manilenos say, “Talagang mabait si Weng.” In Davao, we say. “Mabait bitaw gyud si Weng”. Too assertive? One asks, “Ano nga `yong pangalan mo?”. In Davao we say, “Ano gani `yong pangalan (or worst, ngalan) mo?”. When somebody commits a mistake or surprises someone, we never fail to say, “Halaka!”. Duh.

We are fond of re-constructing the language. There’s the GI+ verb, such as,”Gisabi kasi ni Helen na mag-absent si Bernard bukas”, or “Giganon ni Lalai si Belinda sa mukha”. You’ll never
find “ginanon” in any dictionary, I swear to God.

There’s the KA+ adjective, as in, “Kaputi gyud ng mukha ni Yang-yang” or “Kapayat gyud ni Jason ngayon.”

The MAKA+ verb form, such as, “Maka-inis talaga si Albert, uy!” or “Maka-uwi talaga ako ng matagal ngayon”.

The NAG+ verb, as in,”Nagsabi kasi si Tita Prescy na pupunta daw tayo ng airport” or “Hindi pa man siya nagdating, uy!”

Adding new words or new meanings to old words to the dictionary is one of our favorite past times.

NAKIN: “Alam man nakin `yan ba!”, “Saan nakin kita nakita gani?”.
KU-AN: “Ku-an daw ang gawin mo”, “Si ku-an kasi ano masyado”. (No sense at all.)
ANO: “Na-ano ka diyan, Bryan!”, “Ano man yan siBryan,uy!”.
HA: “Lake-ha na ng tiyan ni Lulu uy!”, “Gwapa-ha niya uy!”
BEH: “Sige daw beh, dare!”, “Pakipasa daw ng ballpen ni Tzaris beh”.
KAY: “Huwag na, Wowie, kay nandito naman si Norma”, “Umupo ka muna kay nasa-CR pa si Elma.”

To express disgust over someone, we utter, “Gago kaba diay para maniwala sa kanya”, or “Ano man yan siya uy!”, or “Maka-inis man yan siya, uy!”, or when pestered when doing something, you’d
quip,”Huwag lagi ba!” On the other hand, when we praise somebody’s extra special deed or talent, our Davaoeno tongue slips words like,”Kuyaw lagi `yan siya!”, “Galenga niya uy!”, “Ayusa niya
uy!!”, “Kuyawa ni Orly uy!” or “Hindi ako makatu-o sa gigawa niya!” . Hay, makatawa talaga. Ooops!

Of course, there’s the classic, “Gisabihan na bitaw kita na huwag kang tumabok,nagtabok ka man din. Ayan tuloy, naligsan ka na! Pastilan! Anuhin na lang natin yan ngayon?”

There are just so too many words to mention. Just check out the words you spew everyday. Sometimes you just laugh at yourself when you realize that you’ve just said those very words. No matter how long you stay in Manila or in the States, the moment you’re back to Davao, your tongue feels as at home as you do. Language is
the very soul of every being. You just can’t do anything about it. Or as how we say it,”Anohin man natin yan?”

Try to compute this:

Your mobile phone’s last # x 2,
Add 5, x 50, Add your age + 365 minus 615.

The last 2 numbers is your age and the first digit is your cel’s last number.

Amazing, isn’t it?

If Cinderella’s glass slippers perfectly fit, why did it fall off along the way?

Maybe it was done on purpose to attract the prince. In short, nag-inigat siya!!

*peace Cinderella*

By Carol Gilby

Leaving a restaurant after meal with her husband, my friend realized she had forgotten her gloves. She hurried back to the table and, unable to see them, dropped to her hands and knees, lifted the tablecloth and peered under the table. Just when the waiter approached and said, “Excuse me, Madam, but the gentleman is over there, by the door.”

Driving on a solitary stretch of a California highway, a friend found himself keeping company with a formidable chain-link fence along the left side of the roadway. Heavily reinforced with razor-sharp barbed wire, it apparently surrounded a government installation. Many miles later he noticed an enormous white sign too far away to read. Curious, my friend pulled to the side of the road and tool out his binoculars.

“Private Property,” the sign read. “Use of binoculars strictly prohibited.”

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It’s not working.

SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM : So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM : And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, Say two Hail Marys!

Of course, you know, Im just kidding ^_~